Better or More Interesting versions of “Twilight”

Yeah, that’s right. I’m returning to my most successful format of mocking books that sell a lot more money then I will ever make with Victorian noir-thrillers in the style of David Lynch (serious career move there). And this time, I’m taking on that greastest of recent fads, Twilight. Let the attacks from pre-teen girls begin.

  • Woody Allen, two words. Court order.
  • Rocky & Bullwinkle, I have no idea what this would be like, but it would be awesome and in the name of all that is Holy it should be made.
  • Samuel Beckett, Bella Swan goes to wherever it is Bella Swan goes and waits for something to happen. TWICE!
  • J.D. Salinger, Edward Cullen whines about how all the other vampires are sparkly phonies.
  • Grant Morrison, I’m going to have to get back to you on that. Thankfully, I will be meeting some aliens while hallucinating in Kathmandu and hopefully they will have the answer.
  • Alan Moore, Alan Moore would probably not write a version of Twilight. For one thing, if someone where to get Alan Moore to write a version of Twilight, which would be all but impossible, but he would change it so much, it would not even be recognizable as Twilight. Comparatively, the aura of Awesomeness that radiates from Alan Moore’s body would probably destroy any copy of Twilight or any Twilight related material by being in Alan Moore’s presence. Because of this, Alan Moore has probably never heard of Twilight. It’s also a good thing Alan Moore and Stephanie Meyer will never meet, because the resulting explosion would cause the Day of Judgment, and Babalon shall lay with the Beast and we will know the fruits of Her Fornication.

There, hope you enjoyed that. I’d like to thank my WATSFIC brother Vinay, who have me most of the ideas for this. He also inspired me to start doing stylist parodies, which I should probably get around to doing.

Better or more Interesting “Da Vinci Codes”

One of my readers said that she thought that this blog may be a bit to intellectual for her. So I decided that I’d do a post on something that isn’t intellectual; Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code. Particularly, I’m going to come up with ideas for people who I think could have written a much more interesting version of the Da Vinci Code.

  • H.P. Lovecraft, “The Terror in the Louvre,” Robert Langdon discovers an ancient conspiracy to cover up the secret bloodline of Jesus, who is really the Eldritch Abomination Yog Sothoth. He realizes he is a member of said bloodline, goes insane and commits suicide.
  • Jorge Luis Borges, Robert Langdon spends most of the story, which is made up of three to five pages, pondering the murder of the a museum curator. After pondering the nature of the universe, it is revealed that Robert Langdon was the murderer and made up the whole Jesus-Mary Magdalene bloodline to get away (or maybe he’s a member of said bloodline). That or the dead guy is the actual Robert Langdon.
  • Philip K. Dick, Probably the same thing, but in Space and better.
  • Franz Kafka, “The Conspiracy,” Robert L discovers an ancient conspiracy, but nobody explains what it’s supposed to be, what it’s purpose is or what it wants from him.