Reasons to Love the Revolution #1: Vajazzle

As many people may or may not be aware, our current concept of western society is slowly coming to an end. Capitalism, like an older brother at a Miley Syrus concert, is slowly dieing on the inside and America as a world power is going to be dragged down with it, probably taking everyone else with them while Cuba looks on and laughs like a Marxist Nelson Muntz on the Simpsons. Along with this, I have recently heard of small groups of American militia men who are preparing for this very eventuality, which will probably lead to a series of terrorist attacks at best and a new egalitarian government, much like the one they had in France, at worst. That said, I believe that the oncoming social apocalypse will also have it’s cleansing aspects. Many of the more hideous aspects of our society will go the way of absolute monarchy and powdered  wigs. Because of this, I will be starting an ongoing feature that will examine all the stuff that we won’t miss once the Revolution comes.

And the first bit is going to be something I’m sure we can all agree on, having rhinestones grafted to women’s vaginas. Yes, you heard me right, rhinestones on vaginas. I’m not kidding. Here’s a link. I’m going to let all this sink in before I take a long hard look at what this means.

Sanity back at a reasonable level? Alright, let’s kick this Bastille down.

Before we address anything else, I will ask the question I’m sure you are all wondering. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT RHINESTONES ON YOUR VAGINA!? This has got to be one of the most pointless excersizes of sexualized fashion of our times, and that is saying something. I personally find the entire idea of vajazzling kind of disgusting. I am not a major rap star and thus excessive diamond or diamond related items do not interest me. If I was a major rap star, let’s say P-Diddy who isn’t really a rap star anymore but I don’t listen to rap that involves diamonds so bare with me. If I was P-Diddy, I would probably find this attractive. But as I am not P-Diddy, but in fact a white boy with very little money, significant female others or any real idea of how rap works as a format, I find this not only unattractive but a deal breaker in any sexual situation.  If I were about to first make love to a woman, I would be greatly disturbed by the fact that she has what appears to be a diamond encrusted vagina. This would lead to a series of questions:

  1. How am I supposed to have sex with a woman who’s vagina is encrusted with diamonds?
  2. How the hell did her vagina get to be encrusted with diamonds?
  3. Why would she have her vagina encrusted with diamonds, because I’m sure they would have mentioned this kind of thing happening in sex ed.
  4. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with a woman who has diamonds on her reproductive organs? Do I really want to raise a family with this kind of personality? What kind of role model would she be to her daughters?

So, despite what the proprietors of this desecration of the source of all life say, this is not something guys like. I’m pretty sure even the more shallow individuals would find this slightly disturbing for the most part.

Also, we come to what I believe may be another factor in this, Empowerment. While watching a video of Jennifer Love Hewett, who is a woman many people who are not me consider attractive and/or interesting, dealing with the process of vajazzling, she says she finds the experience empowering towards women. Now, I’m not a woman, but from what I know of the women in my life they are probably feeling similar, if not the, emotions I am feeling right now. Probably similar as they are looking at it from a woman’s perspective. And these are fairly empowered women in my opinion. With their powers combined, they could become a giant robot Rosie the Riveter and defeat the Patriarchy in an all-out battle in the style of Godzilla, all without the help of jazzling any part of their bodies. So I’m going to make the statement that vajazzling does not have anything that truelly helps empower women, which any female readers can argue for or against.

Finally, and the reason that we will all cheer it’s disappearance in the Revolution, vajazzling is just plain stupid. In the grand scheme of things there better things to do to yourself then have rhinestones stuck to your genitals. You could conceivably put that money to more trips to the spa, or even things like feeding the poor, or dressing them, or getting homes built. To be honest, anything would be preferable then getting pretty rocks grafted to a place of your body very few people will conceivably see.

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2 Comments

  1. Zach Downey-Higgins said,

    March 21, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    I saw this on T.V. a while back…and yeah, i gotta agree…completely and resoundingly pointless. Also, whilst having sex…this could very easily prove to be more a distraction than anything else…and for the record, P.Diddy is a marketing and lyrical genius (though, many of his songs argue the contrary) so lets not pick on the man who revitalized hip hop eh?…..oddly enough through a music video which was made for the 1999 (or was it 97?) godzilla film.

  2. Zach Again said,

    March 21, 2010 at 11:08 pm

    I think….


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